“I can’t”

“I’d be hopeless”

“Maybe one day” but meaning never

“I’m too old/short/fat/not clever enough/rubbish to do that!

Excuses, excuses, excuses…I am the queen of making excuses. If there was an excuses event at the Olympics, I’d be a gold medal winner. Except of course I would make an excuse not to enter. I am absolutely my very own worst enemy!

 

 

 

I’ve always lacked confidence and self belief. Actually, it’s the self belief thing that’s the biggest problem. I’m fine when it comes to meeting people. I really like people and chose very people orientated careers. I  wasn’t always confident around them though.The twenty year old me wouldn’t say boo to a goose, but the 56 year old me is now quite happy to divulge my life history or discuss the price of bread to any poor bugger standing in the queue at Sainsburys. I’ve got no qualms about talking in front of a group of people, and have quite happily performed on stages despite not actually being talented in anything. I once carried on dancing topless as a harem dancer in front of an audience of mums and dads when my sparkly cropped top fell off. You’ve got to have a fair bit of confidence to do that!

What bugs me about myself, is that I’m such a wuss when it comes to silly little things. Take driving for example. I learnt to drive in London. I used to drive in London a lot. Then I had a bit of a scary moment getting onto the A3 and I turned into a quivering wreck. That was little incident was nearly 30 years ago, but I still can’t do drive down a slip road without feeling the mad, and incredibly dangerous, urge to shut my eyes tightly whilst suffering simultaneously  from a nasty dose of  palpitations! Approaching major roundabouts are as bad, and to cap it all, I avoid turning right onto main roads. I can turn a simple journey into an epic cross-country expedition worthy of needing a boot load of supplies and a full tank. The stupid thing is that I’m actually a good driver. I just worry that everyone else on the road will think the opposite!

 

I don’t buy nice clothes because I don’t think I do anything any justice. How bonkers is that. It frustrates the hell out of me, but I just can’t help myself. It’s the whole being fat and short business that’s the problem. I buy when I need to buy, and get depressed the minute I step foot in a shop. I can’t even buy nice shoes because I have fat feet! At least I can buy scarves. Scarves fit everyone!

There’s always an excuse. Can’t ride a bike because they don’t make bikes for very short people. Didn’t train to be a teacher after having my boys because I didn’t have O level maths. Didn’t take up the chance to bake the cakes for a cafe because I worried that they wouldn’t be good enough. Haven’t written the children’s book that my boys have begged me to write of the made up stories I used to tell them because I can’t write. So many missed opportunities !

 

So enough of this self-pitying and negative thinking malarkey. It’s a bit boring isn’t it. Nobody likes a moaning minnie! I wish I could say that by writing this post I’m going to see the errors of my ways and start believing in myself a bit more and stop making excuses, but it’s not as easy as that is it.

On a lighter note, I found a bucket list I wrote when I turned 50. I thought I would share it with you and see how many in my list I can now tick off.

Here goes….

1. Drive onto a slip road without panicking
2. Tap dance…..tried it and hated it
3. Wear heels
4. Go on a cruise
5. Sail a boat
6. Spend Christmas day doing some voluntary work
7. Learn  to knit
8. Learn to crochet….can now crochet granny squares
9. Climb a mountain
10. Ride a bike
11. Sing in a choir…..I’m now a member of Rock Choir and love it.
12. Watch a performance of an opera
13. Enjoy a short break with my mum
14. Lose weight
15. Walk fast without getting breathless
16. Have a spa treatment
17. See the Northern Lights
18. Move to Bristol
19. Swim in the sea
20. Eat in a Michelin starred restaurant….treated to a wedding present lunch at Le Manoir au QuatSaisons
21. Own a red coat
22. Learn to paint
23. Know how to use a DSLR camera
24. Grow vegetables
25. Hold a charity coffee morning
26. Watch the Berlin Philharmonic perform in Berlin
27. Drive coast to coast in the States
28. Get Mr R on a plane
29. See my boys successful and happy…they both are!
30. Watch a musical at the theatre
31. Learn to decorate cakes
32. Own an iphone..I do!
33. Wear false eye lashes
34. Type with more than one finger
35. Be able to paint my own toenails
36. Win a pub quiz
37. Be a Great British Bake Off contestant…don’t want to anymore
38. Write a book
39. Work in the food industry
40. make sourdough

So, a bit of a way to go then..!

Brigitte xx