“I’d be hopeless”
“Maybe one day” but meaning never
“I’m too old/short/fat/not clever enough/rubbish to do that!
Excuses, excuses, excuses…I am the queen of making excuses. If there was an excuses event at the Olympics, I’d be a gold medal winner. Except of course I would make an excuse not to enter. I am absolutely my very own worst enemy!
I’ve always lacked confidence and self belief. Actually, it’s the self belief thing that’s the biggest problem. I’m fine when it comes to meeting people. I really like people and chose very people orientated careers. I wasn’t always confident around them though.The twenty year old me wouldn’t say boo to a goose, but the 56 year old me is now quite happy to divulge my life history or discuss the price of bread to any poor bugger standing in the queue at Sainsburys. I’ve got no qualms about talking in front of a group of people, and have quite happily performed on stages despite not actually being talented in anything. I once carried on dancing topless as a harem dancer in front of an audience of mums and dads when my sparkly cropped top fell off. You’ve got to have a fair bit of confidence to do that!
What bugs me about myself, is that I’m such a wuss when it comes to silly little things. Take driving for example. I learnt to drive in London. I used to drive in London a lot. Then I had a bit of a scary moment getting onto the A3 and I turned into a quivering wreck. That was little incident was nearly 30 years ago, but I still can’t do drive down a slip road without feeling the mad, and incredibly dangerous, urge to shut my eyes tightly whilst suffering simultaneously from a nasty dose of palpitations! Approaching major roundabouts are as bad, and to cap it all, I avoid turning right onto main roads. I can turn a simple journey into an epic cross-country expedition worthy of needing a boot load of supplies and a full tank. The stupid thing is that I’m actually a good driver. I just worry that everyone else on the road will think the opposite!
I don’t buy nice clothes because I don’t think I do anything any justice. How bonkers is that. It frustrates the hell out of me, but I just can’t help myself. It’s the whole being fat and short business that’s the problem. I buy when I need to buy, and get depressed the minute I step foot in a shop. I can’t even buy nice shoes because I have fat feet! At least I can buy scarves. Scarves fit everyone!
There’s always an excuse. Can’t ride a bike because they don’t make bikes for very short people. Didn’t train to be a teacher after having my boys because I didn’t have O level maths. Didn’t take up the chance to bake the cakes for a cafe because I worried that they wouldn’t be good enough. Haven’t written the children’s book that my boys have begged me to write of the made up stories I used to tell them because I can’t write. So many missed opportunities !
So enough of this self-pitying and negative thinking malarkey. It’s a bit boring isn’t it. Nobody likes a moaning minnie! I wish I could say that by writing this post I’m going to see the errors of my ways and start believing in myself a bit more and stop making excuses, but it’s not as easy as that is it.
On a lighter note, I found a bucket list I wrote when I turned 50. I thought I would share it with you and see how many in my list I can now tick off.
- Drive onto a slip road without panicking
- Tap dance…..tried it and hated it
- Wear heels
- Go on a cruise
- Sail a boat
- Spend Christmas day doing some voluntary work
- Learn to knit
- Learn to crochet….can now crochet granny squares
- Climb a mountain
- Ride a bike
- Sing in a choir…..I’m now a member of Rock Choir and love it.
- Watch a performance of an opera
- Enjoy a short break with my mum
- Lose weight
- Walk fast without getting breathless
- Have a spa treatment
- See the Northern Lights
- Move to Bristol
- Swim in the sea
- Eat in a Michelin starred restaurant….treated to a wedding present lunch at Le Manoir au QuatSaisons
- Own a red coat
- Learn to paint
- Know how to use a DSLR camera
- Grow vegetables
- Hold a charity coffee morning
- Watch the Berlin Philharmonic perform in Berlin
- Drive coast to coast in the States
- Get Mr R on a plane
- See my boys successful and happy…they both are!
- Watch a musical at the theatre
- Learn to decorate cakes
- Own an iphone..I do!
- Wear false eye lashes
- Type with more than one finger
- Be able to paint my own toenails
- Win a pub quiz
- Be a Great British Bake Off contestant…don’t want to anymore
- Write a book
- Work in the food industry
- make sourdough
So, a bit of a way to go then..!