First things first. I just want to say a big thank you for the super lovely support that I received after posting my last blog post. It’s not easy to admit to feeling a bit blue but it really does help to be open and not bottle up negative feelings. The hardest thing to write was to announce that I’d decided to have some counselling. I would never have dreamed that I would need it and thought it was just for people with “real issues” and not just feeling a bit glum. That’s something that you can sort out yourself – right? Well, actually no, that’s not always the case. Telling yourself to buck up and smile doesn’t work when you get anxious or your self esteem takes a massive tumble.You’d love to give yourself a bit of a shake and magically everything is alright but it isn’t that easy. How fab it would be if it were! Sometimes what you need is someone to listen and help you to clarify your feelings. Don’t get me wrong, friends are wonderful at listening and giving you a hug, even if its not an actual physical hug these days, but you need someone who isn’t close to you who can get you to open up and recognise your feelings. There’s also the matter of what’s said at a session stays in the session so you really can say anything and as much as talking to your friends is beneficial, there are things that want to divulge to them. Not that I’ve got any skeletons in the closet or anything awful to confess to, I just prefer to keep somethings to myself.
I will say that I have discovered that I find it hard to be assertive and say what I feel. That I worry about upsetting the apple cart and don’t like confrontation. I try maybe too hard to be a people pleaser. I then bottle up what I’m really feeling and that can be detrimental. I find it difficult sometimes to find my voice. I need to address this although not to the point where I become too frank and honest. That wouldn’t be me. Just subtle changes.
I miss adventures and doing things outside the home. I’m married to a homebird who, unless out on a bike, prefers to be within our four walls called home. I want to explore and visit and try new things. Going away to Cornwall on my own last year was so enpowering and I loved every minute of my short break. What I’ve learnt is that I don’t have to do everything with my husband. I’m capable of doing it on my own or with anybody else. We don’t have to be joined at the hip!
My biggest challenge is to love that person that people see. Yes, I need to lose weight to stop myself from ending up with type 2 diabetes, heart problems etc but I musn’t be embarrassed or ashamed of how I look. Am I any less a person because I have swollen discoloured legs due to poor circulation? No of course not!
So here’s the plan. A little self care is the order of the day. The bad eating habits have to go. No more hiding Percy Pigs or waiting for Mr R to go to bed before attacking the biscuit tin. I have started a twelve week healthy eating programme with Second Nature http://www.secondnature.io to help me change my relationship with food. I’m on day three and so far so good. The best thing about the programme is the support that you get from a coach who is a nutritionalist and the small group of people who have started the programme at the same time.
I asked Mr R for decent walking shoes for my birthday present so I have no excuses not to get out the house and walk. I’m aiming to walk without getting puffed out and climb a hill or two comfortably. I’ve started getting up earlier to practice a little yoga and making an effort to wear a little make up. I might go out and buy some clothes just because I deserve them and not because I have to replace something that’s been worn to the point that it’s falling apart.
It’s time that I believed in me. She believed she could so she did. That’s my new mantra!